Some people welcome change while others, like me, don't enjoy change at all.
What I have noticed and what has been noticed about me is that I can't handle change unless it's thrusted upon me.
Losing someone and having to endure grief is a change that I am still unable to handle sometimes.
It has been hard navigating life while trying to figure out who I am for the last year and a half. I have been trying to get back to the person I was before I lost my dad and yet, I will never be that person again.
I am not sure who I am now and after talking about it with Mike, I believe that all I am doing is going through the motions. It's true what they say about losing a loved one. You really do lose apart of who you are.
I am not sure when I will figure out who I am now and I feel like the closer I get to that person, the further I get away from my dad.
There are a lot of things I did before that helped me somewhat cope and now those things are making me miserable.
On Sunday, I started switching up things in my life that give me really bad anxiety. I was told a couple of months after my dad passed that it was situational anxiety and within 6 months it would be gone.
Here I am though. 1 year and 8 months after he passed, and the anxiety is still here. Most doctors won't prescribe me anxiety medication because I am a recovering alcoholic. Frankly, I don't want to be on it either.
A lot of people don't see a lot of the work and tears that go into my days. There are days when I am really good and then there are days when I just can't handle anything that's going on.
One thing lately has been once a month when I get emotionally and mentally smacked in the face. When you want something so bad and then that time comes to find out whether or not it's going to happen, it takes a toll on you when it's not the answer you want.
Not everything is unicorns and rainbows.
My life is so busy that the times I am able to take an emotional or mental break I try to because if I don't then I lose it.
Some days I would like to go talk to a grief counselor but I don't want to talk to a stranger about my dad. I don't want to have to relive every single moment from that month.
It's extremely hard.
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